Tobi has an Itch
by Ivonovna
Summary: When Tobi overhears a conversation, he encounters a word he's never heard before. Puzzling over what it could mean, he asks Deidara. Unfortunately, Deidara gives him the wrong definition, which causes Tobi to wreak word misuse upon the Akatasuki!


**I always wondered: Would Tobi, the good boy, know any of the meanings to bad words? I think not xD! So here's a scenario that just kinda played out in my mind. Somewhat of a prelude to Fund Raiser :)**

**~oOo~**

It was one of those days. Deidara knew it. And, he noted, Tobi's mood usually indicated how his day went. And since Tobi's mood was perpetually on crack, Deidara's days always sucked. So when Tobi came bounding into the kitchen at 5:00 am, Deidara groaned, and hid underneath the table in hopes Tobi wouldn't see him.

"Deidara-sempai! Tobi didn't know we were playing hide and seek!" Tobi exclaimed in a cheerful voice.  
"Go away." Deidara grumbled.

"Aw, but why?" Tobi persisted.

"Because I haven't had my coffee." Came the abrupt reply. There was a pause. "Tobi will make it for you!" Deidara froze.

Tobi....plus electronics...

"No need, Tobi. Just leave and I'll make it myself." Deidara quickly stood up, forgetting that he had been residing under the table, causing him to have a less than graceful entry as he rolled across the floor spewing curses.

Tobi, always the opportunist, grabbed Deidara by his shoulders, and forced him into a chair. Deidara murmured a complaint, but was drowned out by Tobi yelling,

"Tobi will get you some ice, Sempai! It'll make you feel better, and then Tobi will make the coffee!" Deidara's eye gave an involuntary twitch as a pack of ice was slammed onto his head, which made him fall of his chair and face first into the floor. Tobi, who was completely oblivious to Deidara's fall, took out the coffee maker.

"So, Tobi puts the plug in here..." Tobi tried forcing the plug into the outlet, but found he couldn't. He magically pulled a pair of thick tweezers out of nowhere, and bent the metal to fit in the outlet. If he was anyone but Tobi, he would've realized that he had had the plug upside down, and if he had turned it around, it would've fit.

Tobi skipped over to the fridge, where he took out the milk and creamer, and walked back the counter, setting the food products down. He flicked the 'on' switch, and watched as it began to heat up. Remembering that he was making coffee for his sempai, he dumped the entire milk carton into the coffee maker. The abused electronic couldn't handle the overload of milk, and began to spout milk all over the place .  
"Oh no! Sempai, the milk is flooding the kitchen! SEMPAI!" He received no response. He looked over his shoulder, and noticed that Deidara was out cold.  
"Uh oh.."

At that very moment, Itachi strolled into the kitchen. His eyes widened for a fraction of a second.

"So...much..milk.."

He knelt down on the floor, gasping as he surveyed the onslaught of milk that Tobi was trying to prevent. He collapsed on the floor, wheezing. Kisame ran in right at that moment, and picked up Itachi gingerly.

"Tobi, you idiot! You know he's lactose intolerant!" Kisame began walking out of the kitchen when he heard Itachi whisper something.

"What was that, Itachi-san?" Itachi nodded his head limply in the milk's direction.

"Milk...has...too much...hatred..." Kisame shook his head slowly, hoping that it was the delirium speaking and not Itachi.

Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, Tobi had made a drastic decision. Grabbing the half-full mug of coffee, he lifted it away from the coffee maker. Picking up the object, he hurled it out the window and into the Akatsuki's neighbors' pool, where Mr. Swanson was currently swimming.

Only Tobi forgot that the coffee maker was equipped with an extension cord for whatever reason, so the appliance was still plugged in when it splashed in the pool.

"OH MY GOD! ARGH!" came the pained shouts of Mr. Swanson. Tobi leaned out of the window and called,

"Sorry!" to the still figure floating about in the pool. Tobi frowned. Weren't you supposed to move your arms to swim?

Silly Mr. Swanson. Tobi smiled and shook his head.

"Ack....what happened? My head hurts..and so does my nose..un." Deidara sat up, looking around. "And I still need my coffee!"

Tobi bounced over to Deidara and patted his head. "Tobi has it right here, Sempai!" He handed Deidara the cup of blackened coffee, but Deidara was to out of it to notice it color. Or stench. He took a sip and..

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT, UN?" He spat it all over the ground. Tobi was half-way out of the kitchen, so all he did was turn around and wave.

"Where's the coffee maker, you idiot?" Deidara demanded.

"Oh, that thing? Tobi gave it to Mr. Swanson!" Tobi exclaimed. Deidara gave a frustrated sigh and marched over to the window.

"Hey, Swanson, I want my- wait, what the..? Tobi, why the hell is the coffee maker plugged in and in his pool?"

"Like Tobi said, Tobi gave it to him!" was the ever cheerful reply.

"Tobi, you electrocuted him, un! You fucking idiot, un!" Tobi cringed at Deidara's tone, and when Deidara approached with a raised fist, Tobi high-tailed it.

Angered shouts of, "Tobi, get your ass back here, un!" followed him as he ran. Tobi was well away from the kitchen by the time he had stopped running, and was passing Hidan and Kakuzu's room when he heard commotion from inside. Tobi walked a little closer to see if things were alright...

"Fuck yes! Kakuzu, harder, harder!" moans ensued. Tobi cocked his head slightly, wondering what Hidan was up to.  
"Unh, yes! Hidan, you're so...yes! Ah .." Kakuzu sighed.

"That was too fucking short!" Hidan complained from behind the door, and Kakuzu sighed again.

"Don't a bitch, Hidan."

Though Tobi couldn't see it, Hidan smirked.

"But I'm your bitch."

Like before, Tobi couldn't see Kakuzu's smug expression as he remarked,

The bitch I love."

Tobi smiled behind his mask. Kakuzu and Hidan were such good friends! They must've been playing a nice game together for them to be so worked up about it. He wished that Deidara and himself were as good of friends as the two ninjas behind the door.

Walking off, he heard Hidan behind him respond, "Damn straight."

Something was nagging at Tobi that he couldn't remember, and it was really bothering him. It was one of the things Kakuzu and Hidan had said...but he couldn't remember! It started with a B..bi..bitch! That was it! What was this "bitch" they spoke of?

Tobi hadn't the slightest idea. Not watching where he as going, he accidentally bumped into Deidara. Deidara rubbed his head, frustration apparent on his face.

"Sempai! Its nice to see you again..." Tobi started nervously. Deidara scowled at him.

"What do you want, Tobi?" Tobi perked up. Sempai might be able to tell him what that word meant!

"Well, Tobi was wondering if you could explain this word to Tobi..." Deidara tapped his foot impatiently.

"Get on with it!

"Tobi was wondering if you could tell Tobi what the word "bitch" meant!" Tobi blurted out rapidly.

Deidara had a dumbfounded look on his face. "Where the hell did you hear that, Tobi?"

"When Tobi passed by Kakuzu and Hidan's room, Tobi heard Kakuzu call Hidan his "bitch." If it were even possible, Deidara's look became even more incredulous.

"Kakuzu and Hidan..are like that?" He whispered to himself. He smirked. He could most definitely use this against Hidan the next time they got into an argument.

"Like what?" Tobi intruded on his thoughts.

Deidara's frown reappeared. "Well, Tobi, bitch means itch." Tobi nodded slowly.

"Tobi understands." Tobi waved goodbye and walked off in the other direction. For a moment, Deidara wondered if he had done something wrong in lying to him..but, nah. What could possibly happen?

Tobi entered the living room, where Kisame and Itachi were lounging on the couch, watching some romantic comedy. How Tobi loved those! He sat down on the floor, and the pair on the couch eyed him warily.

Tobi felt and itch on his arm, and started to scratch it. He scratched so hard, that all you could here throughout the room was-

Scratch scratch scratch scratch..." Kisame rolled his eyes.

"Tobi, what's the problem?" he asked.

Tobi shook his head.

"Tobi's arm is bitchy!" he exclaimed. Kisame gave him a '"Wtf?" look.

"Tobi, how the hell could your arm be bitchy?" Itachi furrowed his brows.

"Yes.."

Tobi shrugged.

"It just is." Kisame figured that the rest of the Akatsuki besides himself were all idiots, save a few. Tobi, however, was not one of those few. Tobi, deciding that something needed to be done about his "bitch", wandered back outside and down the hall to the bathroom. He opened the closet and took an item out just as Zetsu stepped into the bathroom.

"Tobi, I need to use the restroom. Please leave." Tobi frowned.

"But Tobi needs to apply this Anti-Bitch cream!" Tobi said. Zetsu raised an eyebrow.

"Do I want to know?" He inquired, more to himself than Tobi. Tobi rubbed the back of his neck, thinking of how odd Zetsu could be.

"**Maybe he just got laid**." Zetsu's black side suggested. **"You know, pissed off a girl last night and she wants revenge?"**

White Zetsu shook his head. "Be reasonable. What's the possibility of that?" Zetsu shrugged. Tobi watched the exchange with wonderment, and Zetsu was still in a self-conversation and didn't notice when Tobi walked out of the room.

Traveling down the hall he had seen so much of, Tobi jumped to the side as Hidan ran past.

"We've got a fucking meeting, so hurry the hell up!" Hidan shouted over his shoulder. Tobi nodded, and dashed down the hall to the meeting room, where most everyone was already seated. Zetsu randomly popped up behind him, and sat in a chair to his right next to Itachi.

Hidan was the last to arrive, and slouched into a seat next to Kakuzu.

Leader surveyed the scene with a smile. "I'm glad you're all here. We have something important to discuss." He declared.

"It has come to my attention that the Akatsuki is low on money, due to some bad investments, so I decided to hold a fund raiser!" Everyone gave him stares that clearly said, "What are you _on_?"

"Hmph. Its not like-" he was interrupted by a loud scratching to his right.

"Tobi, could you please stop that?" Pein asked.

Tobi shook his head. "Tobi's got a bitch!"

Deidara slapped his forehead.  
~oOo~

**The end :) Tobi should more careful of naughty language such as that. And Deidara, how could you lie to Tobi? You should know he's stupid enough to believe you!**

**Deidara: Yeah, yeah, whatever, un.**

**Tobi: Who's stupid?**

**Deidara: You are, idiot!**

**Tobi: *Glomps Deidara***

**Please Review! I feed off of them :D **


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